” I’m tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want.  If that makes me a bitch, okay.” ~ Madonna

The Madness Mom and Me blog is officially a ”Black Book” member, so I guess it’s a great time for me to seek out my entourage so we can begin to review my list of demands (why not think ahead, right?).  OK,  I’ll start the list with a few simple must-haves for the green room:  Godiva dark chocolate truffles, fresh white tulips, fire-wood scented soy candles, sparkling Perrier  – with lime (don’t give me any bullsh!t lemons), Veuve Clicquot, vintage Elton John on tap and cute fluffy bunny slippers for my tootsies (when I’m not in my Louboutins).  Another must-have is Cesar Milan to work with my  insane-to-walk terriers (and my crackpot of a schnauzer is totally f*cked up to walk, believe me!)  See? That was simple – no snow white turtle doves, fuzzy kitten baskets or missing brown M&Ms.

(Italian Lesson:  Entourage  =  def:  persone che accompagnano un VIP)

I DEMAND (please) that you head back to the home page: www.madnessmomandme.com  ~ and ~ be also sure to sign up for the MADNESS FEED: http://madnessmomandme.com/feed/

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” ~ Phyllis Diller 

One of the things I most looked forward to (and some days despised at the same time) were our weekend family day trips.  Looking back,  it seemed that we all - mom, dad, me and my cousin Tracy – were always jumping in the car to hit the best the New Jersey and Pennsylvania areas had to offer:  Turtleback Zoo, Space Farms, Roadside America (a vast indoor miniature village), Bertran’s Island Amusement Park (home of the most rickety old wooden roller coaster in the USA),  The Land of Make Believe, Gingerbread Castle, The Snake & Reptile Farm, Jockey Hollow, Jenny Jump Mountain, Jockey Hollow (a “George” Washington slept here type of park) or some other family type destination.  Places where the many happy normal families ventured to on the weekends, but being Romano’s, we just didn’t “do” normal.

You may be thinking, why would a little girl despise all of these fun family places?  Mom’s in the passenger seat. Driving to and from these events would be a total crap shoot. Would we go in? Would we turn around with me and my cousin Tracy in tears? Would mom throw something out the window? OK, let me explain, here’s a typical scenario:  We leave the house with such anticipation of a family fun day ahead. Tracy and I are goofing around all happy and giggly in the back seat (unbuckled of course, as nobody buckled up in those days – we are all ready to be launched out of the car like a cold war nuclear bomb).  Tracy and I would often play what we called “Cousin It”, which meant I’d flip my long hair over my face,  put sunglasses on over my now hairy cousin it face, and wave my arms like a child maniac to the cars behind us.  Our goal was to get the driver or passengers to wave back, offer up a peace sign or simply a smile.  Tracy and I made it fun to ride in the car back then, but that was usually only on the way there. 

(Italian Lesson: Crazy = Pazzo (a) / it was a crazy idea = era un’ idea folle 

When we arrived at our destination brimming with excitement there was still one caveat, and our day’s fate was up to  the tar – otherwise known as the parking lot.  Yup, the freaking parking lot was our “fortune teller”.  If the lot was too crowded, mom would say “Dom, let’s get out of here, this place is too crowded!”.  If the parking lot was empty, mom would say “Dom, nobody is here, let’s turn around and go home!”.  If Dad put up an argument or disagreed – DRAMA TIME!  Mom would take control of the situation her way, which meant throwing something…ANYTHING out of the car window.  I’m not talking about a paper cup or trash, but I’m talking her wallet, her shoe or shoes (as if one wasn’t enough), shit –  sometimes her whole handbag would go flying out the window if mom was feeling extra dramatic that day!  This antic of hers “forced” my poor dad to turn the car around, get out and get her fucking shoe, wallet, purse, whatever it was, and proceed to head home defeated and speechless.  After screaming “Nooooooooooo Dad!” and “Come on, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” begging mom to stay, the car would soon be heading back to Dover, and Tracy and I would then begin making the nastiest faces at mom and shooting her a violent finger (with both hands!)  behind her back (from the back seat, she couldn’t see us of course).  Sometimes, we’d first break down in tears at the thought of our totally ruined day - that just sucked. One thing you could count on was that mom would get the finger whenever she turned her back to us for the remainder of THAT day!

Luckily, even with all of the turning around of the car, crying, kicking and screaming, our nutty little family still managed to see so many places over the years.  And yes, we usually had a really good time  – I have plenty of photos to prove it…REALLY!

Mom gets the Jersey Bird!

Don’t make me throw my friggin’ purse out the window! Get back to the home of Madness:  www.madnessmomandme.com.

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“There was an old lady who lived in a shoe – she had so many kids  – her uterus fell out” ~ Andrew Dice Clay

While flipping channels on the tube today I happened to stumble across a commercial with a cute nursery rhyme jingle, and it made me think of  a few of my favorite expressions mom would say to my younger cousin Tracy and me when we were kids. 

Of course, once I recalled these gems I just had to share!  If you’re a parent, you may even want to use a one or two on your little monsters. 

Two of my personal favs:

 “What do you want me to do, jump up and down and spit Chiclets?” 

 ~ or ~

“What am I supposed to do, shit some out for you?”

An example of usage:  say cousin Tracy & I wanted something unattainable at the moment – let’s use chocolate chip cookies as an example — mom would say, ”Do you want me to shit some chocolate chip cookies out for you?”  The spitting Chiclets was randomly thrown in to conversation here and there;  I guess it’s the visual of mom jumping up and down spitting out Chiclets that used to really get us going a bit wild, then we’d get these type of comments:

“Be quiet or I’ll slap you silly!” (which would make us all googly and act even more silly.)

“Don’t get smart with me” (what ma? you want a dumb child?)

Dad’s favorite line was “do as I say, not as I do” (hey, isn’t that a bit hypocritical dad?)

This one always made me smile:

“What time is it mom?”  Mom’s reply would sometimes be:

“Half past the donkey’s ass, quarter to his balls” – Classic!

Bedtime was always a treat too, with this little nugget: “Here is the candle to light you to bed, and here comes to CHOPPER TO CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!!!” (you have to be certain to say the chopper part in a monster-like voice to really make it work).

(Italian Lesson:  nursery rhyme = filastrocca / a little rhyme = una breve poesia)

I have to mention our silly tongue-twisters like,  “The big black bug bled black blood” and “I slit a sheet, a sheet I slid, and on the slitted sheet I sit.”  Say that one (in church) five times fast kiddies!

After all the kidding was over, mom always made sure to tuck me into bed, and each night her last words to me were “sweet  dreams” (no kidding about this sentiment,  she really meant it).  I’m sure many a night things got confused in my kid-cranium and I ended up dreaming of bloody black bugs, donkeys spitting – or shitting – out Chiclets.  Or maybe just their balls,  decapitated heads rolling around slitted sheets – a dreamworld carnival of crazy.

Holy Donkey Balls! Return to the “Madness ” home page here:  www.madnessmomandme.com

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This post is simply random B.S. which I will spill onto these pages from time to time. 

I love you Joan – you are one really funny bee-atch, but I must say I would not want to be you today.  Why? Because if I were, I think my nose would have melted off from the walk I just took my furkids on. Yes, I must say you do look much younger than a hundred and four, but with all that plastic filling your noggin, I would have a deep fear of the sun’s rays for certain.  The city is sporting full sun today, with a large side order of sticky.  So, if you do venture outside in this July feels-like-August sun, be sure to tote along your cabochon-cut and pearl encrusted parasol with the little Yorkie dogs all over it.  Hey Joan, do you sell those on QVC?

Oh, tell me about it! Return to the home of “Madness ” here:  www.madnessmomandme.com

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