Archive for the ‘madnessmomandme’ Category

Tilt-a-Whirl Nearly Kills Dover Teen

Friday, April 30th, 2010

“If you substitute marijuana for tobacco and alcohol, you’ll add eight to 24 years to your life.~ Jack Herer

Here’s a funny story, no wait – it’s funny to me now, but it really wasn’t all that funny a few decades ago when I was a stoned teen about to have my brain jostled around for an entire afternoon!  Here’s what happened:   I was about fifteen, it was a beautiful warm and sunny Saturday in Dover …  my friends and I were hanging out doing what many of us little punks did back in the late seventies – smoking a joint.  No harm done, right? I mean I never got into anything heavier, so the whole “gateway” drug stuff seems like total B.S. to me.

There I am with my friends having a good time, talking, laughing and most likely stuffing our faces with a zillion Doritos, and along comes a dark blue Chevy Impala.  Damn! You see, this Chevy happened to have my dad behind the wheel, and his passengers included mom and my cousin Tracy.  They were on a mission: to find me, get my ass in the car and head to Bertrand’s Island Amusement Park for the day.  HOLY SH!T!

Tilt a Whirl at Bertrand's Island, NJ

(ITALIAN LESSON: amusement park =  parco dei divertimenti or luna park)

Bertrand’s Island was usually a thrill for me, but going to an amusement park high was not on my agenda that day.  I almost tossed my Doritos on The Tilt-a-Whirl, my brains got scrambled on The Scrambler, and flying around on that huge old rickety roller coaster – geez, what a nightmare!

That night when we arrived home, I swear I was the happiest kid in town, and my little stoner secret stayed with me – until now.

Why couldn’t Dom turn the car around THAT day? Oh well, head back to the home of Madness here: www.MadnessMomandMe.com.

Just a Crazy Italian Famiglia from NJ

Sunday, April 25th, 2010
“Sempre Famiglia = Family Forever”
Family Forever
Mom certainly contributed her fair share of insanity to our little Romano clan, and I love her for it, I really do.  Come on, how many other daughters can go on about how their mom threw her shoes/purse/dad’s wallet out of the car window, flipped her spaghetti plate at the dinner table, ran away a few times (well, it was just around the block, or to the corner of her walk-in closet), had special “turn-the-car-around” powers, or flipped on the gas oven to do the family in? Seriously, mom and I share many a laugh over these memories, complete with those precious “pee-your-pants” moments, and this is just beginning. 

(ITALIAN LESSON:  She comes from a noble, ancient family = Viene da un’antica nobile famiglia)

Like the time when mom ironed counterfeit bills for my gansta brother, her saintly patience with sixteen different foster kids (in all varieties) her sisters who mastered the craft of putting curses on people (oops – sorry your house burned down!) and an almost- daughter-in-law (seeing her in the morning, you would’ve sworn she was boxing promoter Don King) who beat down an enemy with a plastic lawn goose and occasionally went berserk on family members with a Ginsu knife!

MADONNA MIA! I could just go on and on, so let me gather up some snippets to share and I’ll be back with more decades of true-life lunacy.

If you have a weak bladder, pop on your trusty Depends and hang on for the ride!

It's Fun to be Crazy

Crazy or not, head back to the HOME PAGE here: www.MadnessMomandme.com

The Amazing Edible Legible Pancakes

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

 ”The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” ~ W.C. Fields

Nan's Pancakes

(Italian Lesson:  Pancake = frittella)

So, I just got off the phone with my Aunt Patti (yes, the one with the everyday f*ckin’ “colorful” conversation (as noted in the post “Aunt Patti’s Hair Nest and the Twitty Birds”) and she told me that my beloved and utterly sweet ninety two year old grandmother - whom I call “Nan” –  was noshing on pancakes yesterday morning for breakfast (OK, normal so far, right?) but, as she was enjoying her pancakes - and in her day, my Nan could whip up some amazing pancakes - Nan was tearing off little buttery bits and shoving them into a nearby book. 

When asked why the pancake pages were all-the-rage that particular day, Nan stated simply “so I have something to snack on later, of course”.  Alright Nan, but wouldn’t a little plate or Tupperware container do the trick ? Awwww, the things we may do at ninety two… I don’t think she was planning to read that book anyway -  I just hope she doesn’t try to cook it!

(You can read more about Nan’s quirky habits lovingly noted in this post: “Joe Pesci is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n’ problem with that?” http://madnessmomandme.com/2009/07/joe-pesce/).

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Sadistic priest burns little girl with cigar!

Thursday, February 18th, 2010
 
“The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.” ~  Fred Allen  
 
Ash Wednesday is not for sissies!
 
“Come on Elizabeth, be a good Catholic girl and get in line for your ashes,” Mom and Dad would chant in church every year when Ash Wednesday rolled around.  The first time up, my thoughts turned to complete and utter terror  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” I yelled, “I don’t want that horrid priest to burn my forehead with a lit cigar, Ma!” 

(Italian Lesson: cigar smoker = fumatore di sigari)

I was only about seven or eight I suppose, so I had no idea exactly what was really going on in the front of St. Mary’s Church – except for the fact that I sure didn’t want my little forehead used as a friggin’ ashtray by Father Boyle! I can just HEAR the sizzling and smell my young burning flesh melting away – I’ll be scarred for life – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Even worse, this is what you’d call a “special occasion” mass,  meaning it didn’t even ”count” for the week – ugh.  So now we have to head back to the pews to do it again for another hour on Sunday — damn! This church stuff was totally cramping my style! 
 
And all that talk about ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  Like I really want to hear that I’ll be cremated one day and turned to a grey powder – I have my whole life ahead of me for crying out loud! I guess I figured that the burning hot cigar was just the priest’s subtle, yet sadistic reminder, and I just wanted to take a pass — thanks anyway!
Line up, it's Ash time!
        

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Abbondanza, Meatballs and Dad’s Ambulance Ride

Friday, February 5th, 2010

“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.” ~ Sophia Loren

Yes, over the years my dad had to put up with a whole lot of crazy thanks to mom’s spirited “antics”, but he was not without his own classic gems.  Dad loved his Italian meals, and often got himself on mom’s “sh!t list”  for filling his plate with a mountainous heep of second helpings, especially if mom’s garlicy pasta sauce was on the menu.  ABBONDANZA!  as we say in Italian.

(Italian Lesson: ABBONDANZA! = abundance)

A few years ago, mom made one of her famously delicious spaghetti and meatball dinners, and just before she set the food on the kitchen table, my dad started to complain of severe chest pains.  His pain was not going anywhere, so mom called the ambulance to get him to the nearest emergency room.   Dad knew he should get to the hospital asap,  but that scent filling the house – the temptation of mom’s homemade sauce, those scrumptious little meatballs and fresh Italian bread were calling out his name,  “D-o-m-i-n-i-c, D-o-m-i-n-i-c”  – what was this sauce-lovin’ Sicilian to do?

Mom's spaghetti & meatballs

Well, Dominic knew!  When the ambulance arrived, he did what any other appreciative Italian husband would do – he asked mom to make him a “doggie bag” meal to bring along for the ride (and, hey, add some bread for dipping!) - this way he could enjoy his dinner while he waited to see the doc.  Needless to say, dad arrived home from the E.R. pretty hungry that night.

Have doggie bag will travel

Have doggie bag will travel

A virutal spaghetti dinner awaits you, so go back to the home of Madness: www.madnessmomandme.com

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The Very Wretched Sister Urselena

Saturday, January 30th, 2010
“The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

 

St. Margaret's Madness

St. Margaret's Madness

St. Margaret’s Catholic School, Morristown, NJ – Second grade:  my foray into the Catholic school system.  Jesus, how I hated those wretched uniforms  – come on, who can look halfway decent in those ridiculous plaid accordion-pleated skirts and dowdy white buttoned-up blouses? And that stupid little crisscross tie thing in front of your neck – what the hell was that about?   Where was my favorite little black velvet dress now???

A St. Margaret’s education was OK I guess, but the little me did not leave that school without a couple  “incidents” which got me in a bit of trouble — expelled for a day actually, but more about that in a bit.  This post is all about the mean and utterly terrifying Sister Urselena.  YIKES — even typing out her name makes me tremble to this day!

(Italian Lesson: meschino = mean)

Sister Urselena was one of those nuns who would hit kids acting up in class, and God forbid if you were chewing

Sister Urselena wishes she looked this good

Sister Urselena wishes she looked this good

gum, because you’d end up wearing it on your nose and stand in front of the class for an hour with your chewed up gum on the end of your nose.  Yup, this was one frightening nun!  A nun who wouldn’t know a smile if one crawled up her habit and bit her on her ass.  Urselena never smiled at all — maybe it was because she had a mouth like a puppet —a real wooden puppet.  You know, one of those with the deep lines next to her lips, in fact, her mouth opened and closed like a Charlie McCarthy doll.

After seeing Urselena hit a fellow student with a ruler one day, I told my mom about it.  Mom advised me to leave the school if they ever tried to touch me.  So, the next day, I walked to school with my head held high, went straight up to Ursulena and told her that if she, or any nun ever touches me, my mother gave me permission to bolt outta there immediately.  Urselena promptly called my mother to verify this, and mom basically told her “damn straight, sister”! Unfortunately, this was not the last time Sister Ursulena called my mother at home — stay tuned for the “pencil incident” post.

Get back to the home of Madness here www.madnessmomandme.comor I’ll tell Sister Urselena!

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A quick post – one of Mom’s gems

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

I just told Mom it’s good for your health to get fresh air daily.  She said “I get fresh air a few times a day – every time I go outside for a cigarette!”  Nice one, ma!

Yum, smoking is healthy!

Yum, smoking is healthy!

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Aunt Patti’s Hair Nest & the Twitty Birds

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

“Many a man’s profanity has saved him from a nervous breakdown. ” ~ Henry S. Haskins

My Aunt Patti was always talking about Loretta Lynn, Johnny Cash and Conway Twitty and his little Twitty-birds.  She always had a cigarette in her hand, and one of her teased-up Loretta Lynn wigs on her head – the kind which resembled some sort of nest-like bird habitat.  Aunt Patti’s hair was pretty much a mystery to me, I never knew what the heck was under there.  I guess Aunt Patti just didn’t want to bother with styling her real hair, since I know now that she really does grow her own.

A Hot County Mess

A Hot Country Mess

Back in the 70′s my Aunt Patti’s true love  was country and western music — and swearing.  Aunt Patti would swear in everyday conversation;  it just seemed to work for her.  If she saw a cop, she called him a friggin’ flat-footed bastard.  If the car in front of her didn’t step on the gas immediately at a green light, she’d say  “the f*cking light’s not gonna get any greener, ya friggin’ @sshole” and so on. 

(Italian Lesson: to swear like a trooper = bestemmiare come uno scaricatore di porto)

If we were at a restaurant with Aunt Patti, before she could say “pass the mother f*ckin’ mashed”, she would always ask the waitress to being a spoonful of their sauce before ordering any saucy dish.  She’d turn to us and say, “I need taste their f*cking sauce before I order their friggin’ food; I’m not getting screwed with sh!tty friggin’ sauce here”.  Aunt Patti’s colorful raunchiness with the English language always held a high entertainment value, and provided us with something to laugh about the next day.

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Mom’s Must: Italian Last Name/Ends with a Vowel

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”  ~ Mickey Rooney

In the summer of ‘58 Mom turned eighteen, and Nan was wondering when her pretty daughter would marry and start a family.  Nan was concerned that her eldest might end up a old, shriveled-up unhappy spinster (back then, you were deemed a spinster if you weren’t hitched by the ripe old age of twenty — and that was even pushing it.  Ridiculous, huh?)

 In May of 1959, my Aunt Lo introduced her unattached Italian friend, Dominic, to my mom. Mom was a head turner, with her perfect hourglass figure, which was just right for wearing those fashionable Jackie Kennedy-esque dresses and those little vogue hats with her red tresses twirling out from under.  Needless to say, he was smitten.  

Retro Mom

Second generation Dominic stood about 5’10’ had thick wavy black locks, styled into a little pompadour in the front (very stylish at the time).   Dom, “Sonny” as some of his friends and his sister Rosie called him, had a fresh  anisette aroma about him and always a warm twinkle in his dark brown eyes .

Life in his household revolved around cooking and eating, cooking and eating, and cooking and eating.  Mamma Romano cooked day and night – I don’t know if she ever left the kitchen.  She was always there, donning her spaghetti sauce stained, smelly worn-out apron.  If she wasn’t preparing breakfast, lunch or dinner, she was making anisette cookies, picking fresh figs from their tree or squeezing ripe tomatoes into sauce.  Dad’s parents were straight off the boat from the motherland:  Lucia from Sicily, and Joseph from Naples. 

Is it sauce yet?

Dom had a decent job, a stylish car and a bit of that Italian mystique.  Almost thirty with a car and a job, he was quite the eligible bachelor — a total catch.  A young Margaret accepted his request for a date,  and when he arrived at her house looking so chic in his chinos and leather and wool sweater, he blurted out upon meeting my grandparents “I’m going to marry your daughter”.  Wow, a man with confidence!

(Italian Lesson: what’s your name? = come ti chiami?)

Dominic and Margaret were married December of that same year.  My Dad’s mother wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of this half-Italian bride.  She had planned to ship over a Sicilian village girl to marry her youngest little Sonny, not some Americanized redhead.  Much more to tell about this later on.

The best is that Mom tells me she said yes to dad’s proposal of marriage – get this – mainly because he had a good Italian last name, and she just HAD to have an Italian name ending with a vowel.  Good pick, ma — because I really enjoyed my Italian last name all of these years, too!

Young Dad Romano

 

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Ding-a-Lings at the Dover Library

Saturday, November 21st, 2009
 
“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh
 
"It's just Dad and his ding-a-ling mom!"

"It's just dad and his ding-a-ling, mom!"

On good days (luckily for me, there were plenty of those) Mom and I spent a lot of time shopping “downtown”. Downtown as in Dover, a cool old town known for its variety of diners, pizzerias, record shops and retail stores like J.C. Penney, Woolworth’s, JJ Newberry and Sears (actual stand-alone department stores, as these were the days long before malls took over the shopping scene).   A frequent spot Mom and I would visit was the historical Dover Public Library, a place I always found so intimidating (this old brick building seemed so large to me –  it housed dark wooden staircases, creaky banisters and always had a slightly musty mixture of sour and stale smells.  Plus, those never smiling oh-so-serious women who worked there, who always wanted us kids to be quiet – geesh!) 

Our library had 45 minutes set aside each week for the moms to browse books on the “mystery” floor, and the children would have story and coloring time downstairs in the “kiddie” area.  I remember I couldn’t wait to be grown up, so I could go upstairs and browse all of those alluring adult novels.  So there I was with the other kiddies sketching away — a pretty simple concept, until it came time for me to show my inner Degas I just unleased. 

(Italian Lesson:  Library = biblioteca)

You see, a day or two earlier, I happened to see my Dad in his birthday suit, when I just happened to be strolling by their bedroom while dad was getting dressed for work that morning — oops! I asked my mom what that “thing” was that Dad had kind-of hanging there, and she promptly told me “oh, that’s his ‘ding-a-ling’”.  Aha- that Chuck Berry song! Now I know what Chuck was singing about!

Well, you can imagine what our storytime librarian did when a proud little me handed in my drawing of a naked man with his dangling ding-a-ling.  My mother was immediately found and pulled aside by the staff to see what was going on in our family.  All was explained, and mom told me it may be best to keep my new ding-a-ling findings to myself.

Dover Library c1911

OK, Ding-a-ling talk is now over, hope you enjoyed. Now please go back to the home of Madness:  www.madnessmomandme.com.

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