Archive for the ‘madnessmomandme’ Category

Mom’s Must: Italian Last Name/Ends with a Vowel

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”  ~ Mickey Rooney

In the summer of ‘58 Mom turned eighteen, and Nan was wondering when her pretty daughter would marry and start a family.  Nan was concerned that her eldest might end up a old, shriveled-up unhappy spinster (back then, you were deemed a spinster if you weren’t hitched by the ripe old age of twenty — and that was even pushing it.  Ridiculous, huh?)

 In May of 1959, my Aunt Lo introduced her unattached Italian friend, Dominic, to my mom. Mom was a head turner, with her perfect hourglass figure, which was just right for wearing those fashionable Jackie Kennedy-esque dresses and those little vogue hats with her red tresses twirling out from under.  Needless to say, he was smitten.  

Retro Mom

Second generation Dominic stood about 5’10’ had thick wavy black locks, styled into a little pompadour in the front (very stylish at the time).   Dom, “Sonny” as some of his friends and his sister Rosie called him, had a fresh  anisette aroma about him and always a warm twinkle in his dark brown eyes .

Life in his household revolved around cooking and eating, cooking and eating, and cooking and eating.  Mamma Romano cooked day and night – I don’t know if she ever left the kitchen.  She was always there, donning her spaghetti sauce stained, smelly worn-out apron.  If she wasn’t preparing breakfast, lunch or dinner, she was making anisette cookies, picking fresh figs from their tree or squeezing ripe tomatoes into sauce.  Dad’s parents were straight off the boat from the motherland:  Lucia from Sicily, and Joseph from Naples. 

Is it sauce yet?

Dom had a decent job, a stylish car and a bit of that Italian mystique.  Almost thirty with a car and a job, he was quite the eligible bachelor — a total catch.  A young Margaret accepted his request for a date,  and when he arrived at her house looking so chic in his chinos and leather and wool sweater, he blurted out upon meeting my grandparents “I’m going to marry your daughter”.  Wow, a man with confidence!

(Italian Lesson: what’s your name? = come ti chiami?)

Dominic and Margaret were married December of that same year.  My Dad’s mother wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of this half-Italian bride.  She had planned to ship over a Sicilian village girl to marry her youngest little Sonny, not some Americanized redhead.  Much more to tell about this later on.

The best is that Mom tells me she said yes to dad’s proposal of marriage – get this – mainly because he had a good Italian last name, and she just HAD to have an Italian name ending with a vowel.  Good pick, ma — because I really enjoyed my Italian last name all of these years, too!

Young Dad Romano

 

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Ding-a-Lings at the Dover Library

Saturday, November 21st, 2009
 
“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh
 
"It's just Dad and his ding-a-ling mom!"

"It's just dad and his ding-a-ling, mom!"

On good days (luckily for me, there were plenty of those) Mom and I spent a lot of time shopping “downtown”. Downtown as in Dover, a cool old town known for its variety of diners, pizzerias, record shops and retail stores like J.C. Penney, Woolworth’s, JJ Newberry and Sears (actual stand-alone department stores, as these were the days long before malls took over the shopping scene).   A frequent spot Mom and I would visit was the historical Dover Public Library, a place I always found so intimidating (this old brick building seemed so large to me –  it housed dark wooden staircases, creaky banisters and always had a slightly musty mixture of sour and stale smells.  Plus, those never smiling oh-so-serious women who worked there, who always wanted us kids to be quiet – geesh!) 

Our library had 45 minutes set aside each week for the moms to browse books on the “mystery” floor, and the children would have story and coloring time downstairs in the “kiddie” area.  I remember I couldn’t wait to be grown up, so I could go upstairs and browse all of those alluring adult novels.  So there I was with the other kiddies sketching away — a pretty simple concept, until it came time for me to show my inner Degas I just unleased. 

(Italian Lesson:  Library = biblioteca)

You see, a day or two earlier, I happened to see my Dad in his birthday suit, when I just happened to be strolling by their bedroom while dad was getting dressed for work that morning — oops! I asked my mom what that “thing” was that Dad had kind-of hanging there, and she promptly told me “oh, that’s his ‘ding-a-ling’”.  Aha- that Chuck Berry song! Now I know what Chuck was singing about!

Well, you can imagine what our storytime librarian did when a proud little me handed in my drawing of a naked man with his dangling ding-a-ling.  My mother was immediately found and pulled aside by the staff to see what was going on in our family.  All was explained, and mom told me it may be best to keep my new ding-a-ling findings to myself.

Dover Library c1911

OK, Ding-a-ling talk is now over, hope you enjoyed. Now please go back to the home of Madness:  www.madnessmomandme.com.

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Frenzy, Food & Fits: Help! The foster kids are coming!

Saturday, August 29th, 2009

“What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?” ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

One of my many fond memories was when mom used to let me skip school every once-in-awhile, so we could just hang out together for the day.  We’d watch TV, make cookies, go shopping, hang out or grab a bite at Grant’s lunch counter in downtown Dover.  Grant’s had THE BEST hot dogs, the kind with those squared-off buns which they’d grill with a bit of butter on the delicious toasty bun.  To wash it down, Grants had the tastiest icy-cold strawberry thick shakes.  Mmmm…lunch at Grant’s was the icing on the cake when you get to play hooky with ma for the day!

I liked being the only child, loved my own space and I did really enjoy my independence (yeah, I probably enjoyed all of the attention too).  When I was finishing up seventh grade change was coming, as mom and dad made the decision to try out foster care to take care of local children in need.  I guess it was the right thing to do — they loved kids, I was getting older, and we did have a pretty decent size four bedroom Colonial.

I really couldn’t be bothered with the whole foster kid process, I was about to be thirteen – a teenager! I do remember the social worker from the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) meeting with the guidance counselor at my middle school to see if I acted nuts in class, was abused at home, or on the fast track to becoming a wayward Dover youth.  Mom and dad were interviewed and background checked, so apparently they passed the requirements.  Luckily for mom and dad DYFS did not have a “road test” on their roster.  Not that they did anything wrong, of course, they are great and loving parents, but I think we all could have been classified as a bit “off” in a fun crazy kinda way.

We had the Whitman’s Sampler “family pack” of about sixteen various foster kids over the years.  When I say variety, I mean it.  The Romano family welcomed deaf ones, crazy ones, semi-retarded ones, babies, black, white, mocha, girls, boys, you name it — they were part of our looney spaghetti-and-meatball eating Italian family for a time! Some stayed for only a few weeks, others for months to years — and two are still family to this day.  Each comes complete with their own story, and a couple of those stories are pretty heartbreaking, but we’ll get to that much later on.

Maria, Victor & Me

Our debut foster kids were Victor (eight) & Maria (seven) a local Spanish brother and sister duo. They seemed innocent enough. Victor was thin and lanky with such pretty dark brown eyes – almost black.  He has the craziest head of hair too, these chocolate-colored tight curls, which if you pulled a lock out to play, it would stretch out about a foot and snap right back into place with a big BO-ING!  Maria was a shy and quiet little girl, with such a cute little Cheshire cat smile. She had a lighter hue of ultra crazy afro hair, which when picked it out would resemble a extra large basketball.  She used to like it rolled into two Mickey-Mouse ponytails on the either side of her head. I guess that was her mother’s styling, and what mother she was.  Correction: mother f*cker. The reason? Her two kids were with us was because she could not cope and I believe a neighbor called social services. Her “failure to cope” was that of a sadistic bitch, since some of her punishments involved making the kids kneel down on sharp cheese graters, burning their butts with lit cigarettes, holding their hands on a hot stove, and forcing them to sit on a hot radiator – these were punishments for wetting the bed (out of fear I am sure) and God knows what else.

Soon after these two siblings entered our world, so did something we Romano’s were not familiar with (we only understood crazy).  This was called Hyperactivity. Yeah, we had loud and drama down pat, but this stepped it up a notch.

(Italian Lesson: hyperactive = iperattivo)

Victor was diagnosed as a “hyperactive” kid and came toting Ritalin pills which were given to him at certain times during the day to keep him less hyper I suppose.  What a crock! The second or third day Victor threw one of his “fits” as we called them. He would scream – no SCREEEEEEEEEECH at the top of his lungs,  punch his arms and flail his tight little balled-up fists in the air, all while jumping up and down NON-STOP!! It was like he was auditioning to play the Zuni fetish doll (that frenzied, totally mad creature starring in Trilogy of Terror).

WHAT THE?? These fits went on for a few days, weeks, etc., and my mom was told that Victor must stay on his meds, and as foster parents, no hitting or spanking of any child would be tolerated.  Luckily for me, mom and dad were not hitters – but they were yellers. In fact, they made yelling their own art form.  I recall being yelled at by both of them a few times, and at least one (usually my dad) would chase around the dining room table a few times when I was acting fresh.  I think the dining room chases were more to burn off steam, because I don’t recall ever being caught, I think it was more for the show of it, or the thrill of scaring the living sh!t out of me.  I wonder what would have happened if they ever really did catch my wise-crackin’ ass!

Eventually, my mom thought this whole scene with Victor was total bullshit, so she she took him by the arm and carried out a much-deserved royal crack on his little hyperactive ass! Needless to say, those crazy Zulu fits stopped, and so did the Ritalin.

Mom: One

Ritalin:  Zero

Ritalin, not just for breakfast anymore.

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The Jersey Devil’s in the “The Sticks”

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone.”  ~ Verbal, The Usual Suspects

Mom grew up a pretty quiet and relatively happy little red-headed girl in the bustling (very Italian) area of  Nutley, but when she and her two younger hell-raising sisters (more about them later) were approaching their teenage years, my grandfather Lewis (”Poppa”) was smitten and bitten by the “let’s move the family to a rural area” bug, and he settled on the very isolated (yeah, backwoods) Hopatcong, New Jersey.  After visiting the area for a family summer vacation, Poppa was sold on the idea lake living.  He imagined boat rides, swimming, his three daughters amazing him with their new found love of diving, family picnics, fishing, a yard with a pool -  all that Hopatcong had to offer.  Mom was most definitely not sold on any of it.  Sorry Hopatcong residents, but mom called that area “the sticks” and still does to this day. (Just remember this was back in the fifties, so it was a bit stick-ish). 

Lake Hopatcong

Hopatcong (go ahead, you can call it the sticks) is filled with long and winding roads,  hungry deer, possums, raccoons and plenty of mosquitoes (ugh  – I cannot stand those little blood-sucking bastards).  It’s the perfect place a guy like Tony Soprano would send out his wiseguys to dump a tattletale’s body deep in the woods (after dismembering it on the basement butcher table over a few glasses of homemade red)

Mom was not happy, she was a city girl after all, on the verge of hot guys with hot cars, but she really had no choice, so she made the best of it.  She’d get really bored with their new found country lifestyle, so to stay out of trouble, she acquired quite the appetite for reading.  Mom was a voracious reader, at night she would curl up with her novel, a bag of the always greasy Wise potato chips and bottle of Coca Cola at her side (funny, she still does this to this day). 

(Italian Lesson:  evil spirit = diavolo / the devil = il diavolo, il demonio)

Speaking of mom’s book collection, when I was a little I remember looking through her collection of books in our hallway bookshelf as if they were candies displayed at the local dime store. Those titles and spicey book jacket descriptions (many with words I did not yet understand) those colorful covers – even the authors’ photos totally fascinated me.  My imagination would run wild and I’d dream up my own little stories from mom’s books, and what made it more fun was I really didn’t know the difference from fiction and non-fiction at the time.

Besides books, mom’s teenage years in the fifties consisted of a bit of drag racing adventures, plenty of shopping and, of yeah, the Jersey Devil even made a cameo appearance.  What the heck is the Jersey Devil, you might ask? Jersey D, as he is so affectionately known throughout the region, is a supposed mythical creature which has haunted New Jersey for the past 260 years.  The rumor is that the little naughty bugger Jersey D.  has terrorized towns and even caused factories and schools to close down.  Yet, many people believe that the Jersey Devil is a legend, plan ol’ bullshit — a Sasquatch-esque beast simply originated from folklore.

Yes, mom witnessed the Jersey Devil prancing around through the woods one snowy winter day.  And yes, he was red disturbing and sinister. (Funny though, I  always pictured that little red dude with his tiny pitchfork on the cans of Underwood deviled ham I’d see in the supermarket - what a creepy little shit, if you ask me!)

Is this the little devil mom saw in the woods?

Is this the little devil mom saw in the woods?

I have no idea what this actually symbolizes, but it is a fact (if you believe in that little red guy).  Over 260 people have their own personal sighting tales, although discrepancies in these stories exist, the origins provide some validity to the existence of the Jersey Devil.  OK, enough about him, I am starting to get goosebumps.

  Jersey Devil, meet mom

The Jersey Devil made me do it! Quickly,  let’s back to the home of  ”Madness ”:  www.madnessmomandme.com

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P.S.  This just in: breaking news from mom directly!  Mom wants me to be clear about the fact that when she lived in Hopatcong as a teen, she still only had eyes for the “city” boys, and although not a snob, she just wasn’t into country guys.  More about mom’s quite interesting romances, black lips, old dudes and stalkers to come.

“Madness: True or Total Bullsh!t?”

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

I just added a bit regarding “truth or fiction” to my blog’s ABOUT page, and I thought it was a good idea to post an update here as well.   You may be wondering if this stuff REALLY happened, or if I’m just another sh!thead writing some piece of fabricated crap, only to find myself one fine day on Oprah’s couch trying to minimize the effect of a face-pummeling by Ms. O on national TV.  

Yup, everything I write is true – really happened.  Yeah, some of my “stories” may be a bit hard to relive for me, but that’s life I suppose.  You get the cherry on the Sundae some days and you get a thermometer up your ass the next.  Really though, my mom and I have a great relationship; she practically pees her pants laughing when I read some of the madness snippets to her.  Gotta love it!

I recount and write my life’s stories to the best of my acid-trip free recollection.  Most of the madness is permanently etched into my little head with a sharp ballpoint pen anyway.  Yes, I did change a few of the names  toNo Bullshit Zone, Baby! protect the guilty but, alas, their tales are true. 

 

So, with that said,

WELCOME to the NO BULLSH!T ZONE!

xo

~ Me

 

 

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Mom sticks her head in the oven!

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Retro Range “I try to take one day at a time,  but sometimes several days attack me at once.”  
~ Jennifer Unlimited

I’ll get straight to the point of the dark side of being a young mom…my young mom.  Looking back (fondly), I now believe mom had undiagnosed issues like today’s classic panic attacks sprinkled with generalized anxiety disorder.  Maybe Mom felt a bit trapped in the reality of her world — maybe she was just a bit nuts.  She may have just craved more attention, and perhaps she relished the drama just for drama’s sake (I definitely think mom loved drama, but it was most likely a combination of all of these gems). 

A bad day for mom would usually mean the oven goes on.  You could always smell when our gas range was on, so I’d wander down to the kitchen and see what mom was cooking up for dad and me.  On my way,  I’d wonder  “will mom be baking my favorite treat today? Maybe chocolate fudgy brownies – or a creamy chocolate Betty Crocker cake? Lemon cupcakes with colorful sprinkles on top? Would I be able to lick the batter off the spoon?”.  Licking the batter – mmmmm, one of the best yet simplest pleasures life has to offer a kid.  Well, unfortunately, this was not about cakes, cupcakes or my delicious chocolately cake batter….damn!

(Italian Lesson: gas stove = cucina a gas)

No, this was all about our gas oven, a prime prop for my mother’s drama.  Mom would turn on the oven, open the door – gas aflame – that “funny” gassy scent filling up our tiny kitchen.  At times she threatened to stick her head in the oven and end it all, leaving me a motherless kid.  Sometimes she said we were ALL doomed, and our trusty little gas oven would take us all out. 

I was just a kid, so I believed her (not knowing that just lighting an oven with a working pilot light wouldn’t kill a freaking moth).  However, for some strange reason I never panicked when the range of death went on.  Yeah, I thought it was peculiar, but perhaps it was the frequency of this nut-job behavior that it became an in home show – a performance put on by a mom for her daughter.  Masterpiece Theatre in my own kitchen.  Bellissimo, Bellissimo!

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Joe Pesci is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n’ problem with that?

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

Just so you know, I do plan on skipping around with tidbits of retro madness and recent madness.  One: because of my own personal ping- pong ball which enjoys bouncing all over the place inside my head (I gotta have some form of  ADD) –  and Two:  simply to keep readers entertained with real life snippets of insanity.  Since this is not the book or the movie (by the way, did I mention there will be a book and a movie?), there is no chronological order, but worry not – when MADNESS hits the big screen, all will be in order for your viewing pleasure (so YOUR head does not develop ping-pong ball syndrome).  OK, on with a snippet -

My mother’s mom (my Nan, whom I called “Nanny” my entire childhood) Olga just turned ninety one.  Nan is such a sweetheart of a woman – always was.  Women in our family live a pretty long life – not that each and every marble is still in tact, but most of them are still rolling around there in nan’s head.  My great-grandmother (nan’s mom) lived to be one hundred and two — of course she thought it was the fifties and she was a much younger woman but hey, whatever works for you, especially after a millennium of living. 

Nan does have some quirky habits:  making her coffee the night before and leaving it in her thermos for fifteen hours,  defrosting frozen meat in her sweater drawers and forgetting about it until my cousin smells the rot of decaying animal flesh stinking up her cluttered house, and she has a thing about cooking her banquet TV dinners a day or two ahead.  She covers them with Saran wrap and put them in the fridge until ready to microwave again.  Earth to dear Nan:  frozen meals take just three minutes to nuke – but I digress.  My Nan and I share a special birthday bond (I was the “grandgift” from my mom to her mom) as we share the same day of coming into this world.   Recently I heard that nan put a few of those little butter packets in her purse and forgot about them – what a hot mess.

 Lately, Nan keeps forgetting we share the same June birthday (something we must have talked about for over 40 years) but she’ll never forget to mention her bladder suspension surgery (I’m talking a surgery she had from decades back) at least three times in every conversation we have, and how she’ll sneeze and pee her pants (Jesus Christ, getting older certainly has its share of some really sucky sh!t!)    

 

Joe Pesce is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n' problem with that?
Joe Pesci is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n’ problem with that?

 

So, you might be wondering why I have Joe Pesci’s photo here if I’m writing about my grandmother.  No, that is NOT my nan.  A fun family tidbit is that my nan babysat for Joe Pesci (well-known Italian actor in Goodfellas, Casino, My Cousin Vinnie, etc.) and his sister when we they were little.  She tells me that his mom Mary was a cousin of hers, which would make him, Joe Pesci, my third cousin!  Pretty cool, huh? I never wrote down all the names years ago or wrote a note to him (Nan wanted me to, but I felt cheesy about it) and unfortunately, she does not quite recall all of the details these days.  Hey Joe:  if you remember Olga Gabora Robosky changing your diapers, please drop me a line, cuz!

*%#@&#!  FUHGETABOUTIT! Return to the “Madness ” Home Page:  www.madnessmomandme.com

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Mom really never met a pill she didn’t like…
Self-medicating was her hobby.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

meds-retro

Ahhh yes, as a kid I remember mom’s Empirin breaking apart in her “special” water glass, the glass which was always perched next to the kitchen sink.  Mom’s glass (she called it her pill glass) usually had a chalky Empirin or two fizzing away…actually more like just sitting in the water disintegrating. These magical and mysterious pills of hers were a must-have diet staple – mom’s little a.m., midday and p.m. treat.  She ended up moving on to other goodies — Darvon was her favorite drug of choice, and of course taking a few of my dad’s pain, heart or sleeping pills from time to time.  Mother’s little helper they say, right? At least mom drew the line when someone offered her horse tranquilizers or some kind of veterinary meds.  Way to go, mom! :)

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Summer 2009 ~ Let the MADNESS begin!

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

They say insanity is the spice of life, right?  Got it – chock full, in fact.  Hmm…maybe it was something different.  Variety?  Yup, got that too! I have my own crazy 70s variety show to share with you, chock-full of snippets of a lunacy-filled life topped off with a zesty pinch of Italian.  An overflowing treasure chest of life’s moments  including such gems as: the Jersey Devil, death spells, 16 different foster kids (many varieties), a lawn goose beating,  naughty spell-casting relatives, burning Ouija boards, Sicilian cures, one hot Irish priest, butt crayons, trio of old biddies (trying to kill them),  the Exorcist, fat lips, wheel-chair racing, the gas oven of doom, funny money, black pornucopia, gangsta rap, gangs, guns, knives, happy pills  (and more pills) and years of madness (complete with pee-your pants laughter and maybe a few tears) to come.   Back with you all soon, I need a shot of tequila.

Yours in lunacy,

Me

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My favorite and first crystal tee

Me