Archive for the ‘funny sayings’ Category

Lil Bits & Pieces (what’s your nickname?)

Saturday, February 11th, 2012

“When I go out with the ladies, I don’t force them to pronounce my name. I tell them I like to go by the nickname of Kitten.” ~ Joaquin Phoenix

Lil bits, bit bits, little bitch, e-little-bits, and e-lil-bitch were collective nicknames for my given name, Elizabeth. My cousin Suzanne called me most of them, with bit bits and little bitch her personal faves. E-liz-a-beth is a lot of name for a two year old.

Imagine if my parents had chosen to name me Domenica! This was the preference of my Sicilian grandmother, though going up against the feisty woman that was my mom, Nan had little hope of winning the name game. I always thought I was named after the Queen of England, but mom pointed out it was Elizabeth Taylor who inspired her choice. Hey, not too shabby, right?

Elizabeth IS a pretty name, with more than it’s share of nicknames (Bess, Betty, Bessie, Eli, Liz, Lizzy, Libby, etc.).
I, however, was having none of those — or even Elizabeth. One day, when I was about two, Mom heard a commotion coming from my room. When she swung my bedroom door open, my entire baby wardrobe was thrown all over the place (think: clothing explosion!) and there I was happily jumping up and down on my bed yelling proudly, “LEE LEE’S MESS! LEE LEE’S MESS!” If only we had YouTube back then…DAMN, we would’ve gone viral!

(ITALIAN LESSON: Nickname – Soprannome)

Anyway, Lee Lee “stuck”. I was called Lee Lee for a few years, and then one of the Lees simply fell away. Mom’s vision of the beautiful name she chose for her daughter vanished too, since Lee is what I go by today. Mom and Dad did use Elizabeth when I was acting up though, since four syllables made for much better yelling power.

Do you have a nickname? I’d love to hear your childhood nicknames that stuck – or didn’t. Please share HERE.

Posted in child nicknames, Elizabeth Taylor, funny family stories, funny sayings, madness mom & me, mom and me, nicknames, Queen Elizabeth | 16 Comments »

Melts in Your Mouth…Oh God Nooooo!

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

After reading my last post about the “Cradle Crap” my friend Irene (Smith) wrote to me about the time her ultra clean German mom found a stray M & M in the living room. I thought her tale was so funny I wanted her to have the guest post spotlight, so enjoy a bit of Madness, German style! Here you go:

I remember my Mom and her ladyfriends talking about cradle cap when I was little. I was so grossed out. My brother is eight years younger than I and I quickly learned babies are precious, beautiful, funny and sometimes very gross. One day my mother and I were watching TV on the leather couch in our living room with my one and a half year old brother in Mom’s lap. Watching TV with my Mom was so much fun. It was the sixties. So TV, 500 Rummy, Barbie and Etch a Sketch were huge for me.

After Mom had fed, changed and put baby brother to sleep, she was straightening up the living room. Mom was born in Germany. She was so much fun and the cleanest person I have ever known. A speck of dust had no chance of surviving her daily cleaning routine, which was top to bottom, every single day. Her motto was you don’t wait for the house to be dirty to clean it, you clean it every day so it will never be dirty.

So baby brother is asleep, Mom is straightening up the living room; a stray piece of popcorn here, an M&M there, and she picks up the M&M and casually pops it in her mouth. She immediately spits it in her hand and with a grossed out look on her face says “Mein Gott (OMG with the accent), its a sh!tball!” Diapers back then left a lot to be desired as far as gaps go, and it seems my baby brother occasionally produced an abundance of small balls of what he would later call “dookie.” (Well he still calls it dookie and he’ll be 48 this April!) I guess one of us sat on a stray M&M flattening it on the leather couch, but it really did look exactly like a brown M&M!

How my father loved hearing that story upon his return from work. He was fun too, and seized any opportunity to tease her. Forevermore, when my Mom’s continuous cleaning got on his nerves (this included his precious Sunday NY Times being completely folded, put back together, with pen put back in its place by my Mom, in the time it took Dad to pour a cup of coffee or run to the bathroom), whenever she complained about him being messy (again, messy could mean you were having a snack and did not sweep the crumbs off the table every 10 seconds), he would say “Oh calm down, you ate a sh!tball!!”

Irene & her family

Thanks for the laugh Irene – I can practically hear your mother’s accent!
~ Me

So, pop an M & M or a handful (just make certain they are the real things) and head back to the home of MADNESS HERE.

Posted in funny family stories, funny sayings, Guest Post, madness mom & me, mom's funny sayings | 3 Comments »

Cradle Crap

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

“When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.” ~ Gracie Allen

My mom was certainly gifted with a clever tongue, and her way with words always made me laugh. Her wit was mentioned in a few of my previous Madness posts such as The Sh!t List!, Mom’s Prison Rap, My Clever Ma and This Little Piggy.

Yesterday I was pleasantly reminded of a funny phrase mom used to say when I was little. You know how babies get something called cradle cap on their heads? It’s a form of dermatitis which appears on the scalp of infants. But let’s not get gross here, I don’t even know if you’ve had your morning coffee yet.

(ITALIAN LESSON: That’s a cute baby = Che carino bimbo / Che carino bimba (for female)

Anyway, it was…well, Mom said it best, calling it “Cradle Crap”, and she used to gently peel away whatever traces of this mushy scalp crap I had on my little baby head.

Cradle crap, exploding diapers and boogers — bless you moms for all you endure!

Time to vent! Please share your baby incidents in the comments section HERE. I’d love to hear your stories (bring on the yuck factor, I have a pretty strong stomach)!

Posted in babies, cradle cap, cradle crap, funny sayings, madness mom & me, madnessmomandme, mom and me, mom's funny sayings, yucky kid things | 5 Comments »

The Sh!t List!

Friday, October 7th, 2011

“Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

A short & sweet post today.
Well, maybe not all that sweet — more stinky, but I like the message anyway.

Mom had a saying which I found myself using today regarding a pain-in-the-ass family member. I said, “they’ve made it to my SHIT LIST”! I realized I haven’t used that phrase in awhile, so it was quite overdue. The Sh!t List began when I was little and Mom was beginning to lose her patience. She’d give us this warning when we were getting out of hand, “you better cut that out right now, or you’ll end up on my sh!t list”! Direct and to the point, and we got it.

You get the drift too, I’m sure. So if anyone made it to your sh!t list recently, please share below by clicking that comment button — you can use code names, intitials, symbols, or feel free to tell us the whole sh!tty story.

ITALIAN LESSON: Merda = Sh*t, though not used nearly as often as English. Except in Siamo nella merda = “We’re in the shit.”

Stay on the good side Madness, and head to the home page: HERE.

Posted in Crazy NJ family, Fun insane family, funny family stories, funny sayings, madness mom & me, mom's funny sayings, shit list | 8 Comments »

Mom’s Prison Rap

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

My mother really had a kick-ass sense of humor, which you can clearly see in these past posts: My Clever Mom, Dissin’ & Dishin’ with Mom, and The Impatient Patient.

Her original “PRISON RAP” is one of my favorites, and I’m lucky enough to have a taped version featuring rapper mom at the mic! Yeah, it might sound crazy, but this little rap of hers is one of my most cherished memories of her clever wit!

So let’s get to it — here is Mom’s original rap:

PRISON RAP ~ by Margo Romano

I’m going through a phase with my razor blades
I’ll stab you in the neck, but what the heck
I got you by the balls, so you’re takin’ a fall
I’m hopping on a train, going insane
But I’m coming back and that’s a fact

I’m telling no lies, so you better hide
I’ll do my time for committing my crime
I know life sucks, but what the F*CK!

There ain’t no reason, there ain’t no rhyme,
I’m just sitting in my cell doing time.

~~~

Posted in Fun insane family, funny family stories, funny sayings, Ma Romano's rap, madness mom & me, madnessmomandme, mom and me, mom's rap, my mom the rapper, Nutty Mom, prison rap | 5 Comments »

My Clever Mom

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

“Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.” ~ Anonymous

Mom had a phrase I’ve been finding myself using a lot lately, especially while walking two easily distracted terriers. Terrier one is the Napoleon Dynamite of schnauzers. He’s lacking in basic social skills plus he’s a bit of a close talker. Terrier two thinks she’s heading up CSI Philly. She can sniff the living hell out of a spot the size of a tiny green pea, leaving you wondering just exactly how much DNA was left at the crime scene. If she had opposable thumbs, little Sherlock Holmes would be taking page after page of notes. I, of course, would be her Gal Friday — you think Miss Westie would carry her own notebook and pen?

Ok, I digress. Mom’s phrase? “SH!T OR GET OFF THE POT”. Now I know ma didn’t make this saying up, but she used it so well. It comes in handy for a variety of social situations: the deer-in-the-headlights ATM banker, the old woman at the deli counter who can’t make up her mind between the mozzarella or the mortadella, the driver who waits for a better shade of green at the traffic light, the hold-out in a couple who isn’t quite sure about commitment, etc., etc. You get my drift — the list can go on and on.

ITALIAN LESSON: know-it-all or smart ass = saputo/a a know-it-all (from the verb sapere, meaning “to know.”

So, let’s try it out! Tell someone to sh!t or get off the pot in the comments section below – think of someone and let it be known! You don’t even have to name names, just do it, and get off the pot.

After you get that off your chest, please head to the home of Madness again HERE.

Posted in funny sayings, get off the pot, madness mom & me, mom and me | 16 Comments »