“There was an old lady who lived in a shoe – she had so many kids – her uterus fell out” ~ Andrew Dice Clay
While flipping channels on the tube today I happened to stumble across a commercial with a cute nursery rhyme jingle, and it made me think of a few of my favorite expressions mom would say to my younger cousin Tracy and me when we were kids.
Of course, once I recalled these gems I just had to share! If you’re a parent, you may even want to use a one or two on your little monsters.
Two of my personal favs:
“What do you want me to do, jump up and down and spit Chiclets?”
~ or ~
“What am I supposed to do, shit some out for you?”
An example of usage: say cousin Tracy & I wanted something unattainable at the moment — let’s use chocolate chip cookies as an example — mom would say, “Do you want me to sh!t some chocolate chip cookies out for you?” The spitting Chiclets was randomly thrown in to conversation here and there; I guess it’s the visual of mom jumping up and down spitting out Chiclets that used to really get us going a bit wild, then we’d get these type of comments:
“Be quiet or I’ll slap you silly!” (which would make us all googly and act even more silly.)
“Don’t get smart with me” (what ma? you want a dumb child?)
Dad’s favorite line was “do as I say, not as I do” (hey, isn’t that a bit hypocritical dad?)
This one always made me smile:
“What time is it mom?” Mom’s reply would sometimes be:
“Half past the donkey’s ass, quarter to his balls” – Classic!
Bedtime was always a treat too, with this little nugget: “Here is the candle to light you to bed, and here comes to CHOPPER TO CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!!!” (you have to be certain to say the chopper part in a monster-like voice to really make it work).
(Italian Lesson: nursery rhyme = filastrocca / a little rhyme = una breve poesia)
I have to mention our silly tongue-twisters like, “The big black bug bled black blood” and “I slit a sheet, a sheet I slid, and on the slitted sheet I sit.” Say that one (in church) five times fast kiddies!
After all the kidding was over, mom always made sure to tuck me into bed, and each night her last words to me were “sweet dreams” (no kidding about this sentiment, she really meant it). I’m sure many a night things got confused in my kid-cranium and I ended up dreaming of bloody black bugs, donkeys spitting – or shitting – out Chiclets. Or maybe just their balls, decapitated heads rolling around slitted sheets — a dreamworld carnival of crazy.
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