Archive for July, 2009

Thank God I am not Joan Rivers

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

Joan Rivers: Beware the Sun!

This post is simply random B.S. which I will spill onto these pages from time to time. 

I love you Joan – you are one really funny bee-atch, but I must say I would not want to be you today.  Why? Because if I were, I think my nose would have melted off from the walk I just took my furkids on. Yes, I must say you do look much younger than a hundred and four, but with all that plastic filling your noggin, I would have a deep fear of the sun’s rays for certain.  The city is sporting full sun today, with a large side order of sticky.  So, if you do venture outside in this July feels-like-August sun, be sure to tote along your cabochon-cut and pearl encrusted parasol with the little Yorkie dogs all over it.  Hey Joan, do you sell those on QVC?

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Joe Pesci is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n’ problem with that?

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

Just so you know, I do plan on skipping around with tidbits of retro madness and recent madness.  One: because of my own personal ping- pong ball which enjoys bouncing all over the place inside my head (I gotta have some form of  ADD) –  and Two:  simply to keep readers entertained with real life snippets of insanity.  Since this is not the book or the movie (by the way, did I mention there will be a book and a movie?), there is no chronological order, but worry not – when MADNESS hits the big screen, all will be in order for your viewing pleasure (so YOUR head does not develop ping-pong ball syndrome).  OK, on with a snippet –

My mother’s mom (my Nan, whom I called “Nanny” my entire childhood) Olga just turned ninety one.  Nan is such a sweetheart of a woman – always was.  Women in our family live a pretty long life – not that each and every marble is still in tact, but most of them are still rolling around there in nan’s head.  My great-grandmother (nan’s mom) lived to be one hundred and two — of course she thought it was the fifties and she was a much younger woman but hey, whatever works for you, especially after a millennium of living. 

Nan does have some quirky habits:  making her coffee the night before and leaving it in her thermos for fifteen hours,  defrosting frozen meat in her sweater drawers and forgetting about it until my cousin smells the rot of decaying animal flesh stinking up her cluttered house, and she has a thing about cooking her banquet TV dinners a day or two ahead.  She covers them with Saran wrap and put them in the fridge until ready to microwave again.  Earth to dear Nan:  frozen meals take just three minutes to nuke — but I digress.  My Nan and I share a special birthday bond (I was the “grandgift” from my mom to her mom) as we share the same day of coming into this world.   Recently I heard that nan put a few of those little butter packets in her purse and forgot about them – what a hot mess.

 Lately, Nan keeps forgetting we share the same June birthday (something we must have talked about for over 40 years) but she’ll never forget to mention her bladder suspension surgery (I’m talking a surgery she had from decades back) at least three times in every conversation we have, and how she’ll sneeze and pee her pants (Jesus Christ, getting older certainly has its share of some really sucky sh!t!)    

 

Joe Pesce is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n' problem with that?
Joe Pesci is my third cousin, you gotta F*%#!n’ problem with that?

 

So, you might be wondering why I have Joe Pesci’s photo here if I’m writing about my grandmother.  No, that is NOT my nan.  A fun family tidbit is that my nan babysat for Joe Pesci (well-known Italian actor in Goodfellas, Casino, My Cousin Vinnie, etc.) and his sister when we they were little.  She tells me that his mom Mary was a cousin of hers, which would make him, Joe Pesci, my third cousin!  Pretty cool, huh? I never wrote down all the names years ago or wrote a note to him (Nan wanted me to, but I felt cheesy about it) and unfortunately, she does not quite recall all of the details these days.  Hey Joe:  if you remember Olga Gabora Robosky changing your diapers, please drop me a line, cuz!

*%#@&#!  FUHGETABOUTIT! Return to the “Madness ” Home Page:  www.madnessmomandme.com

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Mom really never met a pill she didn’t like…
Self-medicating was her hobby.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

meds-retro

Ahhh yes, as a kid I remember mom’s Empirin breaking apart in her “special” water glass, the glass which was always perched next to the kitchen sink.  Mom’s glass (she called it her pill glass) usually had a chalky Empirin or two fizzing away…actually more like just sitting in the water disintegrating. These magical and mysterious pills of hers were a must-have diet staple – mom’s little a.m., midday and p.m. treat.  She ended up moving on to other goodies — Darvon was her favorite drug of choice, and of course taking a few of my dad’s pain, heart or sleeping pills from time to time.  Mother’s little helper they say, right? At least mom drew the line when someone offered her horse tranquilizers or some kind of veterinary meds.  Way to go, mom! 🙂

Now fetch my meds and be sure to run along to the “Madness ” home page:  www.madnessmomandme.com 

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Summer 2009 ~ Let the MADNESS begin!

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

They say insanity is the spice of life, right?  Got it – chock full, in fact.  Hmm…maybe it was something different.  Variety?  Yup, got that too! I have my own crazy 70s variety show to share with you, chock-full of snippets of a lunacy-filled life topped off with a zesty pinch of Italian.  An overflowing treasure chest of life’s moments  including such gems as: the Jersey Devil, death spells, 16 different foster kids (many varieties), a lawn goose beating,  naughty spell-casting relatives, burning Ouija boards, Sicilian cures, one hot Irish priest, butt crayons, trio of old biddies (trying to kill them),  the Exorcist, fat lips, wheel-chair racing, the gas oven of doom, funny money, black pornucopia, gangsta rap, gangs, guns, knives, happy pills  (and more pills) and years of madness (complete with pee-your pants laughter and maybe a few tears) to come.   Back with you all soon, I need a shot of tequila.

Yours in lunacy,

Me

Don’t miss out! Return to the home of  “Madness ” here:  www.madnessmomandme.com 

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My favorite and first crystal tee

Me